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When it comes to dating or relationships, there is a lot of talk around the red flags we see in others, especially when it comes to making sense of the problems you are having or understanding where it all went wrong…

We tend to reflect on our relationships afterwards and analyse all the red flags we ignored or the things we allowed that completely violated our boundaries. Don’t get me wrong this is great, we learn so much from this reflection, it helps us re-evaluate our boundaries, assess the things we want, the things we don’t want and the things we will and will not stand for. 

However, the biggest mindset shift for me came from holding up a mirror to myself and taking some accountability for my own red flags. Because yes, we are all only human. We all have our flaws, insecurities, a past that we sometimes project onto the now and by going inwards, identifying our own red flags, and making friends with them, we open the channel to create a healthier relationship with ourselves, leaving us open to attract healthier love into our lives.


*Expectations*

This was a huge realisation of mine. I had some pretty big expectations of love, I am a romantic, I love love! I had big expectations of how I thought being in love looked like, the kind of love I wanted to receive… And there is nothing wrong with that at all as now I know the way I want to be loved can be found… however the red flag came from me expecting someone to love me the way I wanted to be loved even though they repeatedly showed me that’s not who they are and how they love.

I have learnt when someone is showing you who they are and how they love, then it’s on you to decide are they right for me? Do I want to participate in this relationship?

Because it is unfair to expect someone to change and to try and mould them into what you want just because you fear the relationship failing… It is unfair to expect someone to act a certain way and then be mad at them when they don’t, even though you know that’s just not who they are. It is unfair for you to keep giving to a relationship, when your true intention is in the hope you receive in the same ways back...

So, my philosophy now is to keep my standards high but my expectations low. Know exactly what you want and don’t want from a relationship and don’t settle for less but leave your expectations at the door and just let it unfold naturally. 


*Hypersensitivity*

I was never really that self-aware around my attachment style and how it was affecting my relationships until I started to look inwards the past 2 years. My attachment style is anxious-preoccupied. One thing I realised was how hypersensitive I was to my partners moods and actions. I used to automatically take things so personally, any slight shift in mood or behaviour would send me into a spiral of self-sabotage. I automatically would blame myself, would think I had done something wrong; he mustn’t love me anymore, his feelings must have changed…it must be something about me. This would cause me to go into moods for no reason whatsoever, cause silly arguments and ruin a perfectly good day. Things would then spiral again as I wouldn’t get the reassurance, I so desperately craved from him, which just confirmed the belief system I had built up in my mind anyway.  

Obviously reflecting on this now I can see my red flag came from not being able to communicate with him properly about how I was feeling. I think a lot of that was because I didn’t really understand why I felt that way and why I acted that way in the first place. I also know now that people’s moods and behaviour are not a direct reflection of me. In a way the world doesn’t bloody revolve around me… well their world anyway… obviously mine does which is why a lot of the time we think things are about us when they really aren’t! 

For anyone reading this who doesn’t know their attachment style I suggest you find out yours, it has really helped me understand myself and learn how to better regulate my emotions and move towards a more secure attachment style. This is something I have been helping some of my clients do and it’s been so helpful for them. 


*People Pleasing*

This deeply instilled habit of mine to people please naturally filtered into my romantic relationships too. Again, a lot of this relates to my attachment style, fear of abandonment and lack of self-worth and confidence. I had this constant need to please my partner, put their wants, and needs above my own, say sorry for things I should not have said sorry for, not communicating how I truly felt out of fear of judgement or upsetting them and not doing certain things because I was worried they would think I looked stupid. 

People pleasing is a huge red flag in itself, as you aren’t living in your truth. 

How is someone supposed to love you for you if you don’t love yourself enough to show up as your true self.

How can you be mad or frustrated at someone for not being grateful for everything you do for them and all the compromises you have made, when they haven’t asked you to, and they didn’t realise how much you were compromising yourself. 

How can you be annoyed at them because you’re the one who always ‘has’ to say sorry, when you have a choice to communicate how you truly feel. 

One thing I learnt is you can give all of yourself to someone in the hopes they will do the same back or the hopes they won’t leave but that will always be out of your control. But if you give to yourself the way you have been giving to others, you start to realise that fear and dependency you once had starts to fade away because you already have everything you need within you, anything more becomes a beautiful bonus. 


Making Friends With My Own Red Flags

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**“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love.”**

*Brene Brown*


The relationship we have with ourselves is arguably the most important relationship in our lives, it is the one that impacts all of our other relationships and determines our map of the world. 

There seems to be a trend right now of people on self-love journeys and I am all for it! 

But as we all know it is not just as easy as ‘loving yourself’. 

Most of my clients ask me the same question… How? How do I strengthen the relationship with myself? How do I love myself?

I think there is one key element to this journey that people are missing and that is the act of self-compassion. Before we can start to love ourselves, we need to be able to be compassionate towards ourselves and be able to show ourselves kindness, forgiveness and acceptance. 

Self-compassion involves showing yourself the same kindness, support and concern you would show a friend and responding to situations with kindness instead of self-judgement, recognising that these situations are part of a shared human experience 1 .


**The Self-Compassionate Mindset**

Kristin Neff argues there are three components to self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. 

Self-Kindness allows us to recognise that we are not perfect, in fact we are ‘perfectly imperfect’, we all experience life difficulties and failures. Instead of approaching these situations with self-criticism and judgement, we allow ourselves to be gentle and accepting.

Common Humanity allows us to recognise that both personal inadequacy and suffering is something we all go through. You are not alone; you are not the only one suffering and you are not the only one who makes mistakes. 

Mindfulness allows us to be aware of our negative thoughts and emotions whilst approaching them with balance and equanimity. To be mindful means to attend to the present moment in a non-judgemental and accepting way. This means we mustn’t suppress or deny our thoughts and feelings, however we should not overidentify with them either.  


**So, the question remains how can we practice self-compassion?**

Firstly, be a friend to yourself. Remember the power of your words, make sure you are thinking and speaking kindly about yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a friend. The more you tell yourself you are unworthy, stupid, crazy, ugly, ‘a mess’ the more you will start to believe it. If you are feeling bad about yourself or struggling, try to imagine how you would respond if you were talking to a friend and show yourself the same level of compassion.

Secondly, forgive yourself for your past mistakes. People are not their behaviours. We all make mistakes; you cannot change the choice you made however you can choose how you react to the choice you made. Reflect on the mistake, apologise to yourself and others, if need be, but then acknowledge that just because your behaviour was bad does not mean you are a bad person. Forgiving yourself allows you to move forward.

Thirdly, check in with yourself, how are you feeling? Take care of your mind and body, try and make compassionate choices for yourself. Check on your needs, if you need a break take it and pay attention to where you are placing your energy. Also, make sure you are doing things that make you happy, because yes you deserve to be happy!

Lastly, embrace yourself. All of yourself, all of your flaws, quirks, all of the things that make you YOU! This doesn’t mean you are necessarily going to like them all, however accepting the things you cannot change about yourself will help you become more content with who you are. 



**Self-compassion is all about giving yourself permission to be human. If you move with love and compassion towards yourself, then love and compassion will be present in not only your relationships but the choices you make as well.**




Love always,


Bec, Voyage MCR x 


What is Self-Love without Self-Compassion?

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This one-hour mindset coaching session will help you identify the current mental blocks, limiting beliefs/decisions, and unhelpful behaviors preventing you from being the highest version of yourself and reaching your goals.

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This long-term support hybrid coaching and hypnotherapy experience will take you on a deeper healing journey of self-discovery, bringing you closer to fulfilling your goals and being your authentic self. Together we will identify underlying limiting beliefs, emotional blocks, or negative habits that are holding you back and work on healing any trauma so you become a more confident, secure, self-loving, happier you.

The programme will be completely tailoured to you and your needs. We will establish your goals and intentions in our first session together and the rest will be client led to make sure you are working through the things that are most important to you.

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My name is Bec, I am a Mindset Coach and Hypnotherapist, with a bachelor’s degree in Applied Psychology and a master's degree in Clinical and Health psychology. My aim is to help people on their journey of self-discovery, healing, and personal development to create positive and transformational changes to their lives using the power of the subconscious mind. During sessions, my clients have access to all my toolbox, including Hypnotherapy, Timeline Therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and psychoeducation. The aim is to help clients identify any underlying limiting beliefs, emotional blocks, or negative habits that are holding them back from fulfilling their goals and desires and from being their authentic selves. The goal is to guide clients towards becoming a more confident, secure, self-loving, and happier version of themselves, by helping their minds become a safe and positive place to be.

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