Finding Alignment and Purpose: A New Approach for Military Spouses

If ever there were a mantra to cling to as a military spouse, it’s not “tough upper lip” or “soldier on” or any other trite cliche.

Its to coddiwomple.

Coddiwomple (verb) kod-ee-wom-pl: to travel in a purposeful manner towards a vague destination

The problem is, “How to Coddiwomple” isn't a chapter in the Army Wife Handbook. I looked, it's not there. 

But, what if we were to infuse this idea of a coddiwomple into the experience of every military spouse? Empowering those who have no control over where they're going, with some purpose along the way.

I actually think it will change lives, relationships, and communities for the better, but I also think it might solve one of the most enduring issues of retention facing the DoD.

But first, a story.

The Golden Hour

The photo above was taken during “the golden hour” at our duty station in California, in 2015. Photographers call it this because it produces some of the best possible lighting for these perfectly illuminated, shadowless photos. This photo represents for me a golden hour as a military spouse as well.

You see, I had just endured a harsh, overexposed decade of PCSs, deployments, solo parenting, and career instability. And at this point, had arrived fairly unscathed at this destination that I was obsessed with.

• We had already faced and survived more challenges than most families ever will. It was, after all, the early 2000’s.
• In the midst of all of the early chaos of deployments and training, and more deployments, we contributed two adorable humans to society and, frankly, were (and still are) quite proud of the job we were doing as parents.
• I had just begun to realize my "worth" in the workforce, finally earning a salary that I wasn’t embarrassed of.
• And I had finally plugged into the military spouse community, making lifelong friends. 
• I enjoyed some hard-earned downtime with my husband and was afforded the chance not only to plan but actually take vacations together —it felt like what the "real world" must be like.

That Golden Hour era felt like a reset. We had overcome so much, and I felt invincible, ready for another decade of service. But the sun eventually set on our time here, and so did the facade of stability.

The Night that Follows

And so, as we entered our second of three PCSs in as many years, all of these perfectly collected pieces of my identity fell away in an instant.

• I lost my job due to the move and the job prospects I was turning up left me disheartened. I wasn’t just going backwards professionally; I was starting over.
• The demands of my husband's new assignment were a shock — the polar opposite of the albeit short, but glorious respite we'd just come from. I was essentially solo parenting again.
• I lost the community that I adored in a blink, and a few personal losses sent me into something akin to a social hibernation.

I felt completely inept, which is a total contrast to the golden hour I was just bragging about.

And this is precisely the point.

I questioned everything about my identity because of how disruptive it felt to have to recreate not just the wheel, but the whole dang cart, just because of a move. For the first time in his ten-plus years of service, I started to seriously question whether or not I was cut out for this.

Not Alone

I have since have learned that I am not alone in feeling unsatisfied and lost. Less than half of military spouses today report to be feeling satisfied with the lifestyle, and that number has been decreasing steadily since 2012.

They talk about things like loss, lack of purpose, uncertain identity as being key themes around their dissatisfaction. All brought on by the very same complaints and stressors that I had just experienced at an unrelenting pace.

For over 31 years, researchers have been studying military spouses and generally agree that the military lifestyle impacts them negatively. Spouses most frequently cite work-life balance, military practices and culture, and their well-being as their top problem domains. Frequent relocations and employment challenges top many Military Service Organization (MSO surveys as a root cause of stress.

Losing your community, your job or volunteer roles, your routines, your hobbies, and everything that is familiar is doable, but it IS hard. And when the adjustments and hardships aren't processed properly, or the changes are too big or happen too rapidly, the effects compound. You can easily start to lose the sense of who you are. 

And as I reflect on what I experienced and went through what I went through, and especially after reading a lot of the available research on the topic, I've come to believe three fundamental things about the military spouse experience.

1. A strong sense of self is actually key in understanding your sense of purpose. Identity feels like a luxury to those who don't have the mental bandwidth to spend on defining it. Furthermore, even if you are able to gain some footing when it comes to defining your identity, that footing is continually undermined with each transition and loss.
2. Self awareness and a strong sense of purpose impact the way you perceive what you're experiencing.
3. **One’s perception of their experience is vital to their satisfaction with it. **

During my quest for meaning, I found many wonderful organizations that offer support for military spouses. They provide an array of programming, but a most are in service to an outcome that resides solely with or adjacent to their service member spouse.

• Family stability, economic opportunity, and relationship counseling are important missions, but the reality is that most spouse programming finds itself tied to recruiting, retention, or readiness.
• Professional development is crucial and impactful, but only to those who are career-minded.
• Mental health providers are often only sought out in crisis, and faith-based initiatives may not be a fit for some.

What I was looking for was something specifically for me as an individual, not something that was tied to my serving partner’s status or readiness. I eventually discovered the enneagram and haven’t looked back since.

The Enneagram for Self-Awareness

The Enneagram is a personal development tool that I found that was profoundly helpful. It illustrates the nine different types of thinking, feeling, and doing that we all have as humans.

Its focus is on is the actual core motivations, underlying fears behind the behaviors that we exhibit on a daily basis. It also helps point out the distortions in our perception of what we're experiencing, which I found profoundly helpful in making sense of what I was going through. It helped me realize who I was on a much deeper level.

For example, what I learned was that leading with Type 5 means that I prioritize certain things like competency, self sufficiency, and independence. which are clearly at odds with some of the things that I was struggling with. But by understanding this about myself, I was able to learn about who I was more deeply, be less attached to roles and more in touch with who I was without the limitations of my type structure.

It also helped me find my purpose.

Purpose

I quickly became passionate about sharing everything I was learning with the military spouse community. I launched a platform and podcast (Advice not Given) with another Army spouse, tongue-in-cheekly named Milspo Gurus. Our content was devoured, proving the hunger and interest in this type of enneagram for military spouses resource, as well as the gap that existed in the military spouse space for it. We shuttered the platform after 3 years due to several pandemic-related difficulties.

I continued my work and evangelism for the enneagram, and went on to become a Certified Narrative Enneagram Teacher so that I could help train others in the very same things that I was learning. I interviewed over 30 military spouses during the internship process for The Narrative Enneagram’s Enneagram Professional Training Program, and their experiences resonated deeply with mine. They too were overwhelmingly struggling to grasp and hold on to even the most fundamental aspects of their identities.

I never once heard anyone say they felt like they were “traveling with purpose.”

Why it Matters

This work matters to me because I am from the community I wish to serve, and at my core, I believe that you shouldn't be socially, economically, and psychologically penalized because of who you love and choose to marry. I credit my own personal journey using the enneagram for the fact that I am still supporting my husband's desire to continue serving — he's fast approaching the 20-year mark.

And I believe that it should matter to everyone who feels strongly about the health and survival of our all-volunteer force because we know that a spouse’s dissatisfaction with the military way of life will increase the odds by eight that they will convince their serving partner to leave service.

But I'm not here to plead for defense policy change like geographic stabilization or longer dwell times (though I do think those things would help). I'm here to propose a simpler solution. Transformation on an individual level via personal development using the enneagram.

Solution

Ennealign is an enneagram exploration program useful for any seeker on the path of personal or professional development, but also has a particular focus for outreach to the active duty military spouse community. 

Inspired by almost a decade of personal work with and study of the enneagram, and how transformative it’s been in my own life and relationships, Ennealign provides typing assessments to help elevate self-awareness for military spouses and guide them toward a sense of purpose. Workshops and group trainings will offer guidance and experiential learning opportunities for them to explore their type structure — and consequently challenge the limitations of their type, and gain clarity on how their type structure might distort what they’re experiencing.

Identity — Purpose — Clarity — Growth

The Vision

Envision a future where military spouses are not merely surviving but thriving in the military lifestyle. A future where they possess a robust sense of self and purpose that remains unwavering despite the many challenges and transitions they face. Through the Ennealign workshops, we are fostering a community of self-aware and resilient military spouses who can confidently navigate the uncertainties of military life. The vision is to make this transformative experience accessible to all military spouses, irrespective of their geographic location or financial constraints. The success of Ennealign means empowered military spouses who can harness their inner resources, embrace their identities, and find alignment and clarity in their lives. Together, we can redefine the military lifestyle, transforming it into a journey of personal growth and fulfillment, not one of sacrifice, survival, and stagnation.

All of this because I believe that there is a world where we can empower military spouses to “be all they can be” independently of — but right alongside their serving partner. In this way, we can all be less attached to an ever changing destination and more enamored with the getting there.

As we coddiwomple along, together.

For more, visit Ennealign.com.