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If ever there were a mantra to cling to as a military spouse, it’s not “tough upper lip” or “soldier on” or any other trite cliche. 

Its to coddiwomple. 

> **Coddiwomple** (verb) kod-ee-wom-pl: to travel in a purposeful manner towards a vague destination

The problem is, “How to Coddiwomple” isn't a chapter in the Army Wife Handbook. I looked, it's not there.  

But, what if we were to infuse this idea of a coddiwomple into the experience of every military spouse? Empowering those who have no control over where they're going, with some purpose along the way. 

I actually think it will change lives, relationships, and communities for the better, but I also think it might solve one of the most enduring issues of retention facing the DoD.

But first, a story.

## The Golden Hour 

The photo above was taken during “the golden hour” at our duty station in California, in 2015. Photographers call it this because it produces some of the best possible lighting for these perfectly illuminated, shadowless photos. This photo represents for me a golden hour as a military spouse as well.  

You see, I had just endured a harsh, overexposed decade of PCSs, deployments, solo parenting, and career instability. And at this point, had arrived fairly unscathed at this destination that I was obsessed with. 

* We had already faced and survived more challenges than most families ever will. It was, after all, the early 2000’s.
* In the midst of all of the early chaos of deployments and training, and more deployments, we contributed two adorable humans to society and, frankly, were (and still are) quite proud of the job we were doing as parents.
* I had just begun to realize my "worth" in the workforce, finally earning a salary that I wasn’t embarrassed of.
* And I had finally plugged into the military spouse community, making lifelong friends. 
* I enjoyed some hard-earned downtime with my husband and was afforded the chance not only to plan but actually take vacations together —it felt like what the "real world" must be like.

That Golden Hour era felt like a reset. We had overcome so much, and I felt invincible, ready for another decade of service. But the sun eventually set on our time here, and so did the facade of stability.

## The Night that Follows
## 
And so, as we entered our second of three PCSs in as many years, all of these perfectly collected pieces of my identity fell away in an instant.

* I lost my job due to the move and the job prospects I was turning up left me disheartened. I wasn’t just going backwards professionally; I was starting over. 
* The demands of my husband's new assignment were a shock — the polar opposite of the albeit short, but glorious respite we'd just come from. I was essentially solo parenting again.
* I lost the community that I adored in a blink, and a few personal losses sent me into something akin to a social hibernation. 

I felt completely inept, which is a total contrast to the golden hour I was just bragging about.  

*And this is precisely the point.*

I questioned everything about my identity because of how disruptive it felt to have to recreate not just the wheel, but the whole dang cart, just because of a move. For the first time in his ten-plus years of service, I started to seriously question whether or not I was cut out for this.

## Not Alone
## 
I have since have learned that I am not alone in feeling **unsatisfied and lost**. [Less than half of military spouses today report to be feeling satisfied](https://download.militaryone%20source.mil/12038/MOS/Presentations/2021-active-duty-spouse-overview-briefing.pdf) with the lifestyle, and that number has been decreasing steadily since 2012. 

They talk about things like **loss, lack of purpose, uncertain identity** as being [key themes](https://www.uso.org/campaign/milspousesalute) around their dissatisfaction. All brought on by the very same complaints and stressors that I had just experienced at an unrelenting pace. 

For over 31 years, researchers have been studying military spouses and generally agree that the [military lifestyle impacts them negatively](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/372242247_Military_Spouses_Lessons_Unlearned_from_31_Years_of_Research). Spouses most frequently cite work-life balance, military practices and culture, and their well-being as their top [problem domains](https://www.rand.org/pubs/infographics/IG145.html). Frequent relocations and employment challenges top many Military Service Organization ([MSO](https://www.mfan.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/MFAN-Programming-Survey-Results.pdf) surveys as a root cause of stress.

Losing your community, your job or volunteer roles, your routines, your hobbies, and everything that is familiar is doable, but it IS hard. And when the adjustments and hardships aren't processed properly, or the changes are too big or happen too rapidly, the effects compound. You can easily start to lose the sense of who you are. 

And as I reflect on what I experienced and went through what I went through, and especially after reading a lot of the available research on the topic, I've come to believe three fundamental things about the military spouse experience.

1. **A strong sense of self is actually key in understanding your sense of purpose**. Identity feels like a luxury to those who don't have the mental bandwidth to spend on defining it. Furthermore, even if you are able to gain some footing when it comes to defining your identity, that footing is continually undermined with each transition and loss.   
2. **Self awareness and a strong sense of purpose impact the way you perceive what you're experiencing**.
3. **One’s perception of their experience is vital to their satisfaction with it. **

During my quest for meaning, I found many wonderful organizations that offer support for military spouses. They provide an array of programming, but a most are in service to an outcome that resides solely with or adjacent to their service member spouse. 

* Family stability, economic opportunity, and relationship counseling are important missions, but the reality is that most spouse programming finds itself tied to recruiting, retention, or readiness. 
* Professional development is crucial and impactful, but only to those who are career-minded. 
* Mental health providers are often only sought out in crisis, and faith-based initiatives may not be a fit for some.

What I was looking for was something specifically for me as an individual, not something that was tied to my serving partner’s status or readiness. I eventually discovered the enneagram and haven’t looked back since. 

## The Enneagram for Self-Awareness
## 
The Enneagram is a personal development tool that I found that was profoundly helpful. It illustrates the nine different types of thinking, feeling, and doing that we all have as humans.

Its focus is on is the actual core motivations, underlying fears behind the behaviors that we exhibit on a daily basis. It also helps point out the distortions in our perception of what we're experiencing, which I found profoundly helpful in making sense of what I was going through. It helped me realize who I was on a much deeper level.

For example, what I learned was that leading with Type 5 means that I prioritize certain things like competency, self sufficiency, and independence. which are clearly at odds with some of the things that I was struggling with. But by understanding this about myself, I was able to learn about who I was more deeply, be less attached to roles and more in touch with who I was without the limitations of my type structure.

It also helped me find my purpose.  

### Purpose

I quickly became passionate about sharing everything I was learning with the military spouse community. I launched a platform and podcast ([Advice not Given](https://open.spotify.com/show/39rdX8Wk20ZgN2yl3xPsGd)) with another Army spouse, tongue-in-cheekly named Milspo Gurus. Our content was devoured, proving the hunger and interest in this type of enneagram for military spouses resource, as well as the gap that existed in the military spouse space for it. We shuttered the platform after 3 years due to several pandemic-related difficulties. 

I continued my work and evangelism for the enneagram, and went on to become a **Certified Narrative Enneagram Teacher** so that I could help train others in the very same things that I was learning. I interviewed over 30 military spouses during the internship process for The Narrative Enneagram’s Enneagram Professional Training Program, and their experiences resonated deeply with mine. They too were overwhelmingly struggling to grasp and hold on to even the most fundamental aspects of their identities. 

I never once heard anyone say they felt like they were “traveling with purpose.”

## Why it Matters

This work matters to me because I am from the community I wish to serve, and at my core, I believe that you shouldn't be socially, economically, and psychologically penalized because of who you love and choose to marry. I credit my own personal journey using the enneagram for the fact that I am still supporting my husband's desire to continue serving — he's fast approaching the 20-year mark. 

And I believe that it should matter to everyone who feels strongly about the health and survival of our all-volunteer force because we know that a spouse’s dissatisfaction with the military way of life will increase the odds by eight that they will convince their serving partner to leave service.

But I'm not here to plead for defense policy change like geographic stabilization or longer dwell times (though I do think those things would help). I'm here to propose a simpler solution. Transformation on an individual level via personal development using the enneagram.

## Solution

Ennealign is an enneagram exploration program useful for any seeker on the path of personal or professional development, but also has a particular focus for outreach to the active duty military spouse community. 

Inspired by almost a decade of personal work with and study of the enneagram, and how transformative it’s been in my own life and relationships, Ennealign provides typing assessments to help elevate self-awareness for military spouses and guide them toward a sense of purpose. Workshops and group trainings will offer guidance and experiential learning opportunities for them to explore their type structure — and consequently challenge the limitations of their type, and gain clarity on how their type structure might distort what they’re experiencing.  

> Identity — Purpose — Clarity — Growth

## The Vision

Envision a future where military spouses are not merely surviving but thriving in the military lifestyle. A future where they possess a robust sense of self and purpose that remains unwavering despite the many challenges and transitions they face. Through the Ennealign workshops, we are fostering a community of self-aware and resilient military spouses who can confidently navigate the uncertainties of military life. The vision is to make this transformative experience accessible to all military spouses, irrespective of their geographic location or financial constraints. The success of Ennealign means empowered military spouses who can harness their inner resources, embrace their identities, and find alignment and clarity in their lives. Together, we can redefine the military lifestyle, transforming it into a journey of personal growth and fulfillment, not one of sacrifice, survival, and stagnation. 

All of this because I believe that there is a world where we can empower military spouses to “be all they can be” independently of — but right alongside their serving partner. In this way, we can all be less attached to an ever changing destination and more enamored with the getting there.

As we coddiwomple along, *together*.


For more, visit [Ennealign.com](https://www.ennealign.com/).


Finding Alignment and Purpose: A New Approach for Military Spouses

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Inclusion in a community is a crucial component of one’s mental and emotional well-being, but given our nomadic lifestyle, proximity and time to spend cultivating that community are not luxuries we often enjoy. As service member spouses, we are routinely uprooted and tossed into new social dynamics. This relationship flux puts us in a position to continuously seek out meaningful connections, be they personal or professional.  

We must become adept at forging authentic relationships and intentionally practice compassion and empathy to grow and strengthen them. 

This is no small task, but this challenge is as old as time itself, and there are many paths and tools for transformation at our disposal. There are three essential components of self-discovery that can guide you toward a deeper understanding of yourself and others, leading to a more natural process, and dare I say ease, in curating meaningful friendships every time we’re forced to start all over. 

## Presence
Presence simply refers to being mindful and honoring who you are at your core — not the face you put on, the way you interact with others, or the burdens you carry — just your beautiful spirit. Being mindful of your presence in the world is something for which you’re already equipped. It just requires you to show up! No judgment, no agendas, just you. Meditation, journaling, or devotional practices are all wonderful ways to enhance your sense of being. 

## Self-Awareness
Self-awareness requires humility, grace, and…work. It’s one thing to acknowledge your behaviors or personality — I’m the kind of person who’s self-reliant and doesn’t need help. It’s another thing entirely to understand those behaviors and consider how others may respond to or interpret them — I suspect that feeling needed is important to this new friend, so I’ll graciously accept an unsolicited casserole on move-in day. 

Possessing the humility to truly know who you are can help deepen your empathy towards others, which allows compassion to enter and perspectives to widen. If you are willing to uncover and acknowledge your own light along with the shadows, you’ll be more forgiving of what you see in others. 

It’s not enough to just acknowledge the conditioned responses of our personality though. We need to also be aware of our how entrenched we are in identifying with our personality. This will play a role in how much work we’ll need to do to be able to consider another point of view. We must then learn to appreciate that there are other ways of understanding and seeing the world. 

## Understanding
There are many tools for understanding and identifying the complex psychology behind personality types. One transformative system that is making a strong resurgence in recent years is the Enneagram. 

The Enneagram is a personal development tool (think of a map or GPS) that uses a nine-pointed (ennea) drawing (gram) to illustrate how styles thinking, feeling, and doing we have as humans. The Enneagram is unique in that it not only accounts for a description of your behavior but focuses on the deep-rooted motivations behind those behaviors.

We each lead with a certain, singular type, represented by one of nine numbers. We’re obviously much more that just this type — we have a type, we’re not just a type — but this “home base” helps illuminate what strategies we’ve adopted to fulfill our basic wants and needs driven by a core motivation, and avoidance. 

This tool helps us recognize how stuck in limited patterns of behavior we’ve become, and how to become acquainted with our truest self — our Essence. Acknowledging the truth about ourselves equips us to be able to see, and accept, the truth in others as well.

Identifying your Enneagram number can be easy for some, but for some, it’s a long, slow journey of reflection, observation, and acceptance. But this is just the beginning of the work. 

> Need help determining your enneagram type? 
> Book a typing assessment and we’ll work through it together! 

## Enneagram Overview
For a cursory understanding of the Enneagram, here’s what you need to know. There are nine concentric numbers arrayed around a circle, starting with nine at the top. Each number has two lines meeting at a point, which connects it with two other numbers on the diagram. Everyone has one number with which they will most strongly identify. 

All nine numbers belong to one of three Centers of Intelligence (or “way of knowing”), that explain the dominate way you perceive and respond to life. The nine numbers are grouped into: 

* the Body (Doing) Center: Types 8, 9, and 1 
* the Heart (Feeling) Center: Types 2, 3, and 4
* the Head (Thinking) Center: Types 5, 6 and 7

*Essentially, do you “go to” — or rely on — reacting, feeling, or thinking as dominant? 
*

There are also subtypes within each number, and each number also has a wing (either side of your core number). The Enneagram also accounts for levels of health, and movements during times of growth or stress (indicated by the lines or arrows) that allow for an infinite number of expressions. 

## Finding Your Type
It’s a complex system with an uncanny ability to bring to light truths that you’ve been hiding from yourself. It can identify the worst in you, as well as the beautiful best in you. 

There are countless online tests to help you find your number, but I encourage you to take a more contemplative and interactive approach. The best way to work through identifying your type is through a typing assessment interview with a trained professional. You can also explore by listening to others talk about why they identify as a certain number — podcasts interviews are terrific for this. What are their struggles and triumphs? How do they feel misunderstood? If something you hear hits too close to home or makes you prickle, you’re probably listening to a kindred-Enneagram type. 

Be wary of thinking of these types as boxes to put yourself in or labels to affix. Rather, use this as a tool to break through your personality and uncover your Essence. Understanding your experiences and those of others in the broader context of community helps tie all the pieces together.

# The Nine Enneagram Types
# 
## Type One - The Reformer
The core motivation, or need, for a One is to be perfect. Idealistic, ethical, and self-controlled, Ones are constantly looking to improve or “set-to-rights” their surroundings, selves, or relationships. They are sometimes seen as hypercritical and fixated and seek to avoid fault or blame. Relationships are difficult when they resist the vulnerability essential for intimacy. Criticism is unbearable for Ones, and the fear of failure can be paralyzing. At their best, they are responsible, dependable, methodical, and they can truly make the world a better place. 


## Type Two - The Helper
## 
The Helper needs to be needed. They care deeply and have the heart to help in order to connect with others. Twos can instinctively identify and provide comfort to those in need, but sometimes their generosity can be self-serving. Maintaining and recognizing healthy boundaries can be a challenge for Twos in a relationship, and they often avoid acknowledging their own needs. At their best, twos are loving, warm, generous, and make wonderful friends.  

## Type Three - The Achiever
## 
The Achiever, needs to succeed. They’re charismatic, image-conscious, and highly driven. They seek admiration and acceptance and can paint themselves with any brush to pull it off. They avoid failure at all costs, and fear being exposed as a fraud. Threes seek undemanding relationships, and tend to do feelings rather than feel them. At their best, threes selflessly accomplish amazing things, are highly optimistic, and support others in pursuit of their goals.

## Type Four - The Romantic
## 
The Romantic, or Individualist, needs to be unique or special. They’re in touch with ALL the feels and have an impressive emotional range. They can be melancholic and moody, and their basic fear is of being perceived as ordinary. Fours can be creative and uber-expressive. In relationships, they can be melodramatic and high-maintenance, but also incredibly caring and comfortable dealing with lower emotions like sadness and grief. At their best, fours are idealistic, deeply empathetic and authentic.

## Type Five - The Observer
## 
The Observer, or Investigator, needs to be competent. They are objective, rational, and have a lust for acquiring knowledge. They fear having their resources depleted and avoid depending on others. Fives can withdraw from social interaction and often escape to their minds. In relationships, they can seem detached. It takes a lot of energy (that they so desperately try to conserve) to get in touch with their feelings. At their best, fives are calm in a crisis, capable of neutrality in a conflict, and are fantastic confidants. 

## Type Six - The Loyalist
## 
The Loyalist needs to feel secure. Sixes are devoted, cooperative, and warmhearted. Their focus of attention is on planning and preparation, and are keenly aware of what can go wrong. They can exhibit anxiety and even paranoia. Doubt and suspicion can pose an obstacle to relationships for Sixes, but once trust is established they can be loyal to a fault. Community is of utmost importance — there’s safety in numbers. At their best, sixes are committed to the common good, and are steadfast, reliable, and honest.

## Type Seven - The Enthusiast
## 
The Enthusiast needs to be excited and have options. They radiate joy and optimism, mainly because they avoid uncomfortable emotions. Enthusiasts can be spontaneous and always seeking out or planning the next opportunity. They can find commitment challenging, however, especially in relationships. At their best, sevens appreciate and seek out the joy in life because they’re at ease with their full emotional range, and are visionary leaders. 

## Type Eight - The Challenger
## 
The Challenger needs to  be strong, thus avoids feeling/appearing weak or vulnerable. Eights are conffident, reliable, and mighty, and often find themselves in leadership positions. Often dualistic and absolute in their thinking, grey areas can be unacceptable and, and outright defied. Relationships can be challenging because of their preoccupation with betrayal and they often seem confrontational (at least to non-eights). At their best, Eights are empowering, passionate, dedicated and champions for the underdog.  

## Type Nine - The Peacemaker
## 
The Peacemaker needs harmony and to avoid conflict. Nines are typically laid back, accommodating, and seem generally unaffected by life. A deep desire to keep the peace can cause Nines to lose themselves and merge into the opinions and feelings of others. They can struggle to make decisions and can be frustratingly ambivalent, often feeling torn by even the simplest of choices. At their best, nines are highly empathetic, able to see and resonate with many perspectives, and make wonderful mediators. 

-----

## Our Unique Opportunity
Our community —  this beautiful, vast, and dynamically varied collective of service member spouses — has a unique opportunity to engage in the practice of recreating community over and over again. We have the chance to set an unprecedented example to society at large for how we’re able to overcome all manner of differences and unite over one common thread -- love for our service member. By honoring our presence, becoming self-aware, and understanding the complexities and context of the experience of others, we equip ourselves for an incomparable capacity for connectedness. Let us all uncover our Essence, perfect compassion towards others, and grow our relationships beyond what we ever imagined to be possible. 

Building Stronger Connections as a Military Spouse

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Know your type, but not sure what to actually do with it? There's so much depth and wisdom that can literally transform the way you see yourself, interact with your loved ones, and engage in community, so let's dive in!

**Explore your Enneagram type with guided coaching sessions. **

DISCOVER sessions are for learning about how your type shows up in your life. Once you understand the facets of how the type structure works, you'll be able to start to develop your inner observer and work towards growing out of the patterned responses to stress, uncertainty, LIFE, etc... imposed by your type. We will set goals for your coaching sessions, discuss resource and growth points. We will also explore your wings, instinctual subtypes, defense mechanisms, somatic profiles, and communication patterns.

*These sessions are intended for individuals who already know their enneagram type. If you still need help determining yours, book a typing assessment to get started! *

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Discover sessions are for learning about how your type shows up in your life. Once you understand the facets of how the type structure works, you'll be able to start to develop your inner observer and work towards growing out of the patterned responses to stress, uncertainty, LIFE, etc... imposed by your type. We will set goals for your coaching sessions, discuss resource and growth points. We will also explore your wings, instinctual subtypes, defense mechanisms, somatic profiles, and communication patterns.

DISCOVER Enneagram Coaching Session

Learn more about the nuances, limitations, and growth paths for your enneagram type structure.

DISCOVER: Understanding Your Enneagram Type

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# Discover Your Type
# 
Identifying your Enneagram type is the first step on the road to self-discovery and growth using the enneagram as a tool. It’s a fundamental part of the process, but has become a bit confusing, and convoluted with the rising popularity of the enneagram. 

* Have you taken an online quiz, or even paid for a more involved online assessment, but still feeling like it’s not quite on the mark, or worse — missed the mark all together? 
* Have you started reading an enneagram book, but feel overwhelmed at the complexity of the system?
* Or maybe, there’s an instagram creator you like that gets close enough to giving you something to hook onto, but it’s only meme-deep and you’re looking for more. 

#### If any of the above sounds familiar, let’s chat. 
#### 
The most reliable mode of discovering which enneagram type you lead with is through a typing interview. During an hour-long typing interview, I’ll guide you through a systematic series of questions that will help us both understand more about some of your core motivations, avoidances, patterns, focus of attention and other nuances of type structure to get a little closer to your “home base.” It’s an opportunity for honest and probing self-reflection that can illuminate your enneagram type. 

One key difference in my typing assessment and perhaps some of the online assessments or other typing practices is that you won’t be diagnosed your type by me. The beauty in this journey is the practice of self-reflection and inner observation that you’ll be invited into during a typing assessment and beyond. The work is yours to do — but I’ll be right alongside you along the way with helpful guidance and compassionate curiosity. 

> So, are you ready to get started? 
> Book your typing assessment today.

Uncover your Enneagram type through a personalized, one-on-one typing interview. You'll be guided you through a series of questions and discussions, to help you identify your core motivations, strengths, and areas for growth.

Enneagram Typing Interview

Uncover your Enneagram type through a personalized, one-on-one typing interview.

Enneagram Type Assessment Interview

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I am deeply passionate using the Enneagram of Personality to assist individuals in uncovering their true selves and aligning that self-awareness with purpose, direction, and boundless enthusiasm to create a fulfilled and inspired life. 

My dedication is particularly geared towards supporting women in the midst of life, and those who are married to military servicemembers. I personally fit into both of those categories (my husband has been serving for 20+ years thus far), and understand the unique challenges, transitions, and uncertainties we encounter daily. This work, though often perceived as inaccessible, is undeniably vital. 

##### The Enneagram as a Tool for Personal Development
##### 
The Enneagram is a framework that neatly illustrates nine different ways of thinking, feeling and doing we have as humans. The focus of this tool is on one's core *motivations* rather than one's behaviors, which offers a helpful map for compassionate personal reflection and growth. It illuminates the **WHY** behind what we do. It also points out the distortions we have in our perception of what we're going through -- and the maladaptive strategies and coping mechaniams we all struggle with in reacting to them. 

##### The Enneagram for Military Spouses
##### 
In the military lifestyle, we’re often faced with the loss of things: things we love and are used to due to a PCS, friends who move, jobs that change, careers that vanish, routines, certainty and so much more. Notably, *loss of identity* is often cited by military spouses as a primary reason for dissatisfaction with military life. 

So, how can we start to improve this? By honing the ability to introspect and reflect, you can better align your choices with your authentic self, fostering a deeper connection to your purpose and enabling a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

The enneagram provides a transformative framework by which we can better understand ourselves, cultivate compassion and understanding for the world around us, and ultimately drive us towards our purpose.

The Enneagram as a Tool for Personal Development

The Enneagram for Military Spouses

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